One Step Closer to 'Me'
Last week as I pulled out my driveway heading to dive deeper into my unconscious mind I was blown away to see my mother’s car in front of me waiting at the traffic lights. When we drove off from the lights I drove to the side of her car and looked in. Sure enough it was her. In her own little bubble world oblivious to my presence. After a few minutes she turned down another street.
I have not seen my mother in about 3 years. This is when I last saw my mother.
I went into the waiting room and sat down. A thought crossed my mind – wouldn’t it be funny if my mother were sitting beside me? I looked across. It could have been; however, no. My phone then rang, and as I stood to walk out of the waiting room, I turned around and there she was – sitting behind me was my mother. She purposely stared blank-faced away from me. It’s as if time slowed as I stepped towards the entrance, almost forgetting that I had my phone pressed to my ear. When I finished my conversation and returned inside to the waiting room, she was no longer there. Moments later I watched her scurry out with her head down, avoiding my gaze. I turned and surprised myself by saying “stupid woman”. I only noticed that I had muttered this aloud as a man turned to see who I was talking about. I watched my mother as she hopped into her car and drove out of the car park. There it was – she glanced quickly in my direction. Our eyes met for a split second. She was so shut down, so devoid of any emotion. I cannot ever imagine being in a room with one of my children in the future and acting like she just had. A slave to the emptiness. I saw what I could have been, who I chose not to be. Interesting that of all the times to see my mother it was at a place where blood is drawn.
Exert from ‘My Nothing’ – stepping out to discover me.
The universe has a message. I had to address the programming of my mother. She had a huge influence on how I learned to be shut down during my childhood. She taught me about my own unworthiness. I learned that my emotions were not worth honour.
Perfect – a couple of days before Mother’s Day I see my mother. My own emotions so alive now due to all the work I’ve done to reverse her effect on my life. My whole body welled with deep sadness for what it was and what it could never be.
I was grateful that I was clearly being shown how far I’d come and it was time to go deeper to release completely my programmed self-sabotage.
My time going deep within was intense. Back to the first moments before I ever felt fear, sadness, guilt and anger. Back to what I call the ‘nothing space’ once more. My reset!!!
Over the weekend I found myself grounded in the present. My mind was not racing to the past or the future. Such a relaxing place to settle. It reminded me of the peace and calm I experienced in Mauritius when I travelled so far to disconnect, at that time from everything external. This time it was an internal disconnection I was experiencing. It is amazing to be so present now in my life.
One step closer to being ready to completely clear my aspect of conflict -- my own predator. This still confronts me, not letting me be completely free from its grip.
I am determined to crack the code on this. I need to completely remove my inner predator finally for good.
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This year has certainly been a whirlwind adventure for me. Turning 50 gifted me with not only a few more wrinkles, but also some new adventures and travel. Exploring new places, countries and destinations is my absolute passion.
Interestingly I have made some 'new friends' this year. Some ‘tree folk’ planted across the globe and they have shifted my awareness....
I never set out for these connections and ignored this ability for some time. Then I realised it was the very thing that made me, 'me'. Perhaps this is why I ‘show up’. It’s something that has enabled my own past pain to be set free and replaced with a feeling of peace and love.
Over the weekend I held a stand at the Mind Body Spirit Festival in Melbourne. Each year I set a different intention when I do this. This year I set the intent of holding space for another. This was great practice for my trip to Senegal, Africa in February next year with Business Chicks and The Hunger Project